Captain Noonan, the “Bearded Holmes” of the Sandersonville Police Department, was comfortably entombed in his favorite stuffed red leather chair with his feet on the matching ottoman, channel surfing when the telephone beneath the lamp purred to life. His wife, Lorlei, had a disdain for all things that jangled, so all the phone ringer settings were set on mute. This calmed her nerves, but it made it difficult to tell when the phones were ringing. At first, Captain Noonan had resisted the change to mute, but over the years he discovered that not answering phones probably lowered his blood pressure, particularly given the type of calls he usually received.
And he didn’t mind if Lorlei missed calls from her church klatch.
But this phone was too close to his favorite chair to be ignored and, as this was his private number, he felt obligated to answer it.
“I’ll bite. Who’s this?” His voice had just enough of an edge of authority to be intimidating.
There was a moment of silence, and then a deep male voice came on line. “I am your worst nightmare come true.”
Now that was a stunning way to stall a conversation. Noonan, however, was not to be deterred by such an introduction. “That’s not possible,” he snapped into the receiver, “you are most certainly not my mother-in-law. You can’t frighten me; I’ve been married for 35 years.”
“Very funny, Chief of Detectives Heinz Noonan,” the voice was not even mildly amused. The voice put an ironic inflection on the word larger. “So you have a sense of humor. Bravo, my good man. Well, I have a sense of humor too. That’s why I’m calling you. Calling you before I pull off the crime of the century.”
“That’s going to be quite a trick,” Noonan responded in a bored manner. “We’re only three years into the new century, so you’d better be planning a whopper of a crime.”
“Oh, that it is. That it is. People are going to be talking about it for the next 97 years, to use your numbers. There has never been anything quite like this.”
“I see. And you are calling me to do so pre-crime gloating?”
“I am calling you to challenge you to stop me.”
“Have you ever thought about putting your talents to good use rather than evil? You have a great voice for Radio Theater.”
“That sounds like a line from GET SMART.”
“It probably was. Probably was. Now I don’t have all day to talk to criminals, so why don’t you impress me with your audacity by telling me what horrendous act of criminality you are planning on perpetrating on the community?”
“Now, why should I do that?” The voice was calm and back in control. “That would spoil all the fun.”
“I’m sure it would. Now I suppose you are going to give me a clue to ponder while you watch the fish feed.”
“Pardon?”
“Fish feed. Fish get fed. You’re calling from the Sandersonville Aquarium. That’s the readout on the phone ID. Considering it’s, what, about three in the afternoon, that’s usually the time the fish get fed.”
“Oh, you are such a clever man, Chief of Detectives Heinz Noonan. Now, try this.”
As Noonan watched, the digital readout on the phone switched from the Sandersonville Aquarium to an 800 number. The readout lettering read DIAL A PRAYER.
“Happy?”
“Interested. I could use that little gadget when I call home late and want to convince my wife I’m still at the office.”
“You’re not taking me seriously.”
“That is the first true statement you have made since you dialed my number. Most criminals call, gloat, and hang up. You are what I call a pre-gloater. You call with a dire threat of impending disaster, drop an arcane clue and then proceed to chortle hoping that I am dashing around trying to figure out what you are doing. Usually I don’t care. I turn in the threat to the Sandersonville Police Department and let people a lot smarter than me chase down clues. I’m too old to be scared and too close to retirement to take threats seriously.”
“Oh, you’ll take this one seriously. I am going to pull off the largest diamond heist of the century.”
* * *
“Do you think he’s serious?” The Special Assistant for Law and Order and Home Security for the Mayor of Sandersonville wasn’t sure whether Noonan was being serious or pulling his leg. “I mean, what kind of a nimbo would call up the Chief of Detectives of the Sandersonville Police Department and announce a crime he’s going to commit. Sounds like we’ve got a loony running around out there.”
“You may very well have,” replied Noonan. “Do I think he’s serious. Yeah, I think so. He called to let us know he was very clever. I don’t think we can ignore his threat.”
“Diamonds? What kind of diamonds do we have in this city?”
“I ran a check on what he might be talking about. We’ve got the usual diamond dealers working out of their suitcases . . .”
“Out of their suitcases?”
“That’s right. Not all of the diamonds being bought and sold in any city come in by armored car. A lot of deals are done quietly. In hotel rooms. In restaurants. Traveling diamond merchants come to town, make the rounds of the smaller jewelers and take orders or sell what they’ve brought. They don’t have regular schedules, so they don’t get robbed. They just breeze into town and go knocking on doors.”
“That’s the way diamonds are sold?”
“Well, to the smaller stores, yes. To the larger stores, no. The larger stores put in orders and the diamonds come by mail or courier. The stones are insured and the stores have their own security systems.”
“How many diamonds are we talking about?”
“Nothing unusual for this size of town. I checked with a handful of merchants and no one is expecting an extra-large shipment – not in the size of the shipment or the size of the stones.”
“So there is nothing special happening in the diamond world here in Sandersonville?”
“Not in the diamond world per se. But there is a gem show coming to town next week. It’s kind of a gala in support of the Sandersonville Athletics opening game.”
“Gem show? Does that mean diamonds?”
“Yes,” Noonan replied as he pulled out a sheet of paper. “There are a substantial number of them, but none of them are large.” Noonan waggled the paper. “But then again, I’m no diamond expert, so I don’t know what the diamond industry considers large. There’s no Hope Diamond in the collection, if that’s what you mean.”
“But the show is big?”
“Sure, but not ‘crime of the century’ big.”
“Yeah, but who knows. Let’s put on some extra security just in case. I certainly don’t want to be taken by surprise.”
That suggestion, as it turned out, was not as reasonable as it had sounded in the office. The Sandersonville Athletics were hosting a home game; they were expected to lose – again – but that did not deter a sell-out crowd. There was also a gun show that had to be covered and two parades, both small but which still required police personnel. When it came time to cover the gem show, half the personnel from the Athletics’ game were reassigned along with one officer each from the gun show and both parades.
“Do you think we should pull any more personnel in to cover the gem show?” The Special Assistant for Law and Order and Home Security for the Mayor of Sandersonville was fiddling with a program for the gem show nervously.
“No reason to. It’s well covered.”
“All this extra expense because you got a phone call from some wacko. We still don’t know if this was a legitimate threat, do we?”
“No. But we can’t be too careful.”
“True. True. The Mayor wouldn’t want it any other way.”
“Right,” said Noonan.
“Are you going to be at the gem show?” the Special Assistant asked.
“Actually, no. I’ve got duties elsewhere.”
“But you will be in touch?”
“Absolutely.”
That being said, Noonan left the Special Assistant’s office and crossed the municipal park to the Police Department parking garage. It appeared that the only people left in the building were the mechanics, and they were watching the start of the Athletics’ game – hopefully.
“You guys look like you need some exercise.” The mechanics looked up at Noonan in surprise. A split second later, it was clear they were not pleased with what was clearly coming next. “Let’s all go for a ride.”
“But we’re not weapons trained,” one of the mechanics whimpered.
“You don’t need to be,” replied Noonan. “We’re not going to shoot anyone, unless any of you give me guff.”
“No, sir,” was the immediate response.
Noonan loaded the four mechanics into his car, then drove across town and parked against a tall concrete wall. Everyone got out of the car.
“We’re going in there?” one of the mechanics indicated by waving his arm at the cement wall.
“Sure are,” replied Noonan and popped the lid to the truck of his car. “And we’re going in disguise.” He pulled four caps out of a paper bag and handed one to each man. Then he handed each man two sets of handcuffs.
“What are these for?” asked another of the mechanics, handling the manacles as if they were diseased.
“For the bad boys and girls.”
Noonan used a key on the outside door, and the four mechanics followed him through the wall. Following a series of tunnels, they arrived at a reinforced door with triple locks. Noonan pounded on the door. There was a moment of silence. Then a point of light appeared through the eyehole. It disappeared and the door opened.
“Good for you to be here,” said a man in a security guard’s uniform.
“Just in case,” Noonan replied. “This is my army.”
“Well, at least they have the right disguise,” the security guard said as he indicated the caps on the mechanics’ heads. Then, to the mechanics, he said, “Just distribute yourselves around the room, behind some of the desks, and look busy. I’ll turn on the Athletics’ game, so it’ll look natural.”
“Are they going to win?” one of the mechanics asked hopefully.
Everyone looked at him with incredulity.
Nothing much happened until the end of the fifth inning. The Athletics were a run up and everyone was excited. There was a knock on the door, and the security guard went to the peephole. He took a look and pulled back. To Noonan, he said, “If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen now.”
“Look busy, everyone,” snapped Noonan as he stepped behind the door and pulled out a revolver.
The security guard opened the door, and another security guard tumbled into the room. Behind him were two men holding pistols. They rushed into the room, waving their pistols, yelling for everyone to get on the floor. Everyone did – expect Chief of Detective Heinz Noonan who, standing behind them beside the half-open door, held his pistol. When the room got silent, Noonan cocked his revolver. The click froze the two robbers in their tracks.
“I don’t suppose you want to try anything funny. Why don’t you just drop your guns before I pull the trigger?”
There was a moment of hesitation, and then the thieves dropped their weapons.
“Very good. Handcuff ‘em boys.” Which the mechanics gladly did.
The robbers were men in their 20s. Both were wearing Athletics’ shirts and caps, the kind you could buy in any sport shop in Sandersonville. One was black; the other white. They both had Sandersonville Pacific University student body cards.
“You boys aren’t very bright, are you?” Noonan said as he thumbed through their wallets. “You’ve got enough cash here. Why did you want more?”
“Can’t never have too much cash,” one of them said.
“You should be stealing a grammar book,” Noonan replied. Then, tilting his head toward one of the mechanics, “See if you can locate the Special Assistant for Law and Order and Home Security for the Mayor of Sandersonville.” The mechanic gave a disgusted look. “I feel the same way, but get a hold of him anyway,” Noonan said. “Tell him we have just broken up the purported largest diamond robbery in history. If he wants to pick up the perps personally, they’ll be handcuffed to the wall in the office here.” Noonan indicated an exposed bolt in the cement wall. “Then,” he said indicating the mechanics, “you can all go upstairs and watch the rest of the game.” He tapped one of the Athletics’ caps he had dug out of the paper bag from the trunk of his car. “After all, you’re dressed for it.”
“Aren’t you going to watch the game?” one of the mechanics asked.
“Naw, I’ve got to wait for the Special Assistant for Law and Order and Home Security for the Mayor of Sandersonville.” Everyone made a face. “Then I’m going home. I hate it when the Athletics’ lose.”
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